People Don’t Make Announcement for This….

March 30, 2009 at 9:19 pm · Filed under Uncategorized

This is kind of a weird subject to blog about.  But I would love to try.  Thank you for indulging me.

My husband came over today for a visit.  We have been separated for the last four years.  During our conversation, we decided that it is time to finalize the separation.  He was the brave one to get the words out first.  When those quiet words “I think it’s time we finalize our situation” came out, we looked at each other and cried. We cried for nearly two hours as random thoughts popped up about our marriage, our separation, our daughter, our learnings and discoveries, and our new current selves that we wanted to share with each other.  Finally we blessed each other and this decision.  And knew that it is for our highest goods.

So that’s the big announcement…

“Mai and Gary would like to inform you of our decision to divorce.  After 17 years of heroic love, we decided that it is time to end this marriage contract, and to begin a new contract of being separated individuals who care and love each other deeply.  We would like to celebrate our love as it shifted and changed over the years.  Challenges and difficulties arose and passed, yet our love, patience, and loyalty for each other remain.  We hope to have a beautiful celebration in the Fall when we finalize everything.”

As for me, I am leaking in the eyes all day.  My stomach feels a little sickly and my appetite has shrunk to nothing.  I am still reveling over a few thoughts…

1.  Isn’t it amazing that two people who love each other this much, can’t live together.  Like I have it collapsed in my head, that since we love each other so much, and have such capacity to be with each other, that we should be able to make this marriage work; and making it works mean to live with each other till death do us part.  Who said one equals the other?

2.  I told my Dad the news, and he had to make sense out of it by saying “Oh he’s probably ready to move on and get serious with someone else.”  I had to say to him “no Dad, there is no bad guy here.  I am in the court, I know what is going on, and it’s simply “it is time”.  That’s all.”  It just seems strange that there is no bad guy to blame.  If there was, it might be easier to understand why this marriage is ending, perhaps.

3.  I remember as a teen-ager, dreaming and preparing for marriage.  I spent lots of time practicing what to say, where I would like it to happen, what to wear, etc…

I hadn’t spent any time practicing my dissolution conversation.  So writing about this is very very strange.  How does one talk about this event?  Tonight when I go to have diner with my girlfriend, do I blurt out “Oh by the way, I have great news, ….” or do I put on a sad face and say “I have sad news”? How does one practice for such a thing?

Anyway, as I gently move through today and this completion phase, I ask for your love and support.  I don’t really know in what format.  I just didn’t want to be in the closet, by myself with it.  It’s such a sweet, gentle, and complex thing that I get to experience.  Some of you have done it.  I would love your thoughts….

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