People Don’t Make Announcement for This….

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More thoughts and experiences through Mai Vu’s eyes

People Don’t Make Announcement for This….

March 30, 2009 at 9:19 pm · Filed under Uncategorized

This is kind of a weird subject to blog about. But I would love to try. Thank you for indulging me.

My husband came over today for a visit. We have been separated for the last four years. During our conversation, we decided that it is time to finalize the separation. He was the brave one to get the words out first. When those quiet words “I think it’s time we finalize our situation” came out, we looked at each other and cried. We cried for nearly two hours as random thoughts popped up about our marriage, our separation, our daughter, our learnings and discoveries, and our new current selves that we wanted to share with each other. Finally we blessed each other and this decision. And knew that it is for our highest goods.

So that’s the big announcement…

“Mai and Gary would like to inform you of our decision to divorce. After 17 years of heroic love, we decided that it is time to end this marriage contract, and to begin a new contract of being separated individuals who care and love each other deeply. We would like to celebrate our love as it shifted and changed over the years. Challenges and difficulties arose and passed, yet our love, patience, and loyalty for each other remain. We hope to have a beautiful celebration in the Fall when we finalize everything.”

As for me, I am leaking in the eyes all day. My stomach feels a little sickly and my appetite has shrunk to nothing. I am still reveling over a few thoughts…

1. Isn’t it amazing that two people who love each other this much, can’t live together. Like I have it collapsed in my head, that since we love each other so much, and have such capacity to be with each other, that we should be able to make this marriage work; and making it works mean to live with each other till death do us part. Who said one equals the other?

2. I told my Dad the news, and he had to make sense out of it by saying “Oh he’s probably ready to move on and get serious with someone else.” I had to say to him “no Dad, there is no bad guy here. I am in the court, I know what is going on, and it’s simply “it is time”. That’s all.” It just seems strange that there is no bad guy to blame. If there was, it might be easier to understand why this marriage is ending, perhaps.

3. I remember as a teen-ager, dreaming and preparing for marriage. I spent lots of time practicing what to say, where I would like it to happen, what to wear, etc…

I hadn’t spent any time practicing my dissolution conversation. So writing about this is very very strange. How does one talk about this event? Tonight when I go to have diner with my girlfriend, do I blurt out “Oh by the way, I have great news, ….” or do I put on a sad face and say “I have sad news”? How does one practice for such a thing?

Anyway, as I gently move through today and this completion phase, I ask for your love and support. I don’t really know in what format. I just didn’t want to be in the closet, by myself with it. It’s such a sweet, gentle, and complex thing that I get to experience. Some of you have done it. I would love your thoughts….

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9 Comments»

Kendal wrote @ March 30, 2009 at 9:54 pm

Mai-

As you say in blog is it “good news” or “sad news”, I am both happy and sad for you. I know this will be change in your life and just as you ask I will be here in love and support. I am glad you choose to share this rather than “be in the closet”. I hope we can all help you through it.

Much love,
Kendal

Judith wrote @ March 30, 2009 at 10:36 pm

Dear Mai,
Your news is good, sad, liberating, poignant and numerous other adjectives combined. Don’t settle for just one of them. Remember the “I AM” exercise from the Co-Active Leadership Program. “I am all of these types and more.” It sounds like the quality that you both most are is loving. This space will allow you to hold all the other descriptors as they arise. Good luck to both of you in your newly defined relationship. There are no good guys or bad guys here. Only lovers and friends.
Love,
Judith

Michele wrote @ March 30, 2009 at 11:12 pm

Hi Mai,

Great job at putting some words to what could be one of the most challenging moments of life. When I was in your place last year one of the best things someone said to me was “Congratulations! I’m sorry…” It captures in a small way the diversity of feelings that comes with this decision.

I wish you all of your feelings… every color and texture, even the ones you wish you did not have along the way. They are part of the wide range you are growing through this experience!

Congratulations Mai! I am sorry….
~Michele

grace wrote @ March 31, 2009 at 12:55 am

Mai,
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I wish I had placed such words when I finalized my divorce. I, too, was separted 4 years before divorce. The blessing for me was that by the time I got to “divorced”, I was ready and able to be there. When someone asked me the next day, “how are you?” my response was “I’m divorced. How are you?” and I didn’t have to cry or anything.
I support you in any way you need. My heart is here with yours – feel free to call on it if you like.
Many blessings to you!
Grace

deb wrote @ March 31, 2009 at 1:29 am

Hey Mai -

When I talk about my friend David, I never know whether to qualify him: “my ex-husband” or “my good friend” or … ? Some people think it’s really weird when they put it all together – how can you still be such close friends with your ex? – but it’s completely normal for us.

It wasn’t easy in the beginning; it was heartbreaking to love each other and not be able to make it work (just as you said), but now that love is unencumbered by the desire to make square pegs fit into round holes, and he is one of my dearest friends.

A bud of ours once said that we were the “real world” Bruce Willis and Demi Moore – we had an almost surrealishly “good divorce.” (and then someone wrote an article about it and interviewed me, so i think it’s official: http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2007-08-12-blended-families_N.htm ) But David and I are not the only ones; Bruce and Demi are not the only ones. (welcome to the club)

It is possible to have a good divorce; it is possible to recognize that love can change, and it can still be love. (but you already know that …)

Sending you (and gary) some of that love now .

Deb

Brad wrote @ March 31, 2009 at 3:35 am

Do you remember the phrase that was painted on Maia’s bedroom wall?

“You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.

A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!

“Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?”

How much can you lose? How much can you win? And IF you go in, should you turn left or right… or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind?

Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-
necking pace… and grind on for miles across
weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place.

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go.
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.”

From “Oh the Places You’ll Go!” by Dr. Seuss

Who knew a children’s book could be so profound!

Your thoughts were very eloquent and moving! I too mourn the end of your wonderful relationship with Gary. No, correction, the CHANGING of your relationship with Gary. But then, this just formalizes what was already a reality, but we always mourn the lost possibilities of a closed door.

I hope the process of writing is helping you through this. I am excited to share your experiences in your new life.

With love always,
Uncle Brad

Mary E. Brown wrote @ April 2, 2009 at 4:51 am

Oh Honey, I applaud your courage and honestly in this situation as in every aspect of your life. Your paths have brought you both to this place to discover the wonder which lies ahead. It is uniquely ‘your’ path lined with love and sprinkled with miracles. It is a path you will share with those you love and at times you choose to walk alone. Whatever your choice I support you with all my love and know you have always and will always walk toward the ‘LIGHT’.

With love and peace! maryb

Eric wrote @ April 4, 2009 at 10:22 am

Mai,

As always you astound me with your honesty and sincerity!! You are indeed a brave heart and braver soul! You have a tremendous ability to see the silver lining, and love essence in all you come in contact with. I’m honored to know you, and to witness the unfolding of a new you! May the love you share return to you a hundred fold, and may the dawn of a new day bring laughter, love, peace and newness your way.

Love,
Eric

P.S. NSL (not scary love)

maikvu wrote @ April 6, 2009 at 9:42 pm

Thank you Gail.

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