I wanted so much to be enrolled in the process. But the truth is at the end of the talk, Lawrence Ellis asked “How enrolled are you?” and my answer was “No, i am not enrolled”

How can I not be enrolled in the peace process? How can I be luke warm about it? waiting for “them” to enroll me? to entertain me so that I feel compelled inside? How can I think “all of this is nice, but I don’t get it, but I am too busy to get involved, time is tough I don’t have money to support them”?

So let it be known, the peace process is not possible because people like me are still saying “no, thank you I am too…. to be involved.”

For example, this article that I read “Assumptions about People and Leadership”
So simple…
(note:  the words in ( ) are my words and interpretations.  If you want the original article click here http://tinyurl.com/l2kmqn
1.  People Want to Succeed (even your worst co-worker or employee, wants to succeed.  Really! Find the thing that they want to succeed in, and motivate from there.)
2.  People Want to Know How Their Doing: (We all want to know how we are doing.  BUT we rather hear the GOOD stuff first, then lay in the bad stuff gently, clearly, firmly, and with love and commitment so that they can hear you)
3.  A Leader’s Impact on Morale and Performance is Greater Than They Realize: (We impact the org. from our words, assumptions, secret thoughts, secret resentments & unhappiness, actions, EVeRYTHING!!!  We are much more transparent than we know.)
4.  The People Closest to the Action are Best Able to Identify Opportunities and Solutions (We know that!!!  But for some reasons it still is a lot easier to make decisions behind closed doors, to assume that we know best, to save time by just rolling it down to them, to, to, to…..and then we shoot ourselves in the foot)

Again, so simple, yet so hard to do when the moment is charged, and everyone is stressed for time, pressure, and demands.

“As children, we entered the world of order, routine, and “appropriate” behavior through the guidance, encouragement, and insistence of our parents.  We acted according to what we perceived as appropriate in the eyes of our mother and father.  The consequence is that today, on an unconscious level, our motivation for the way we eat, dress, bathe, and behave is almost solely sourced from the reflected presence of others.  We unconsciously use these “others” as ongoing reflections of our mother and father.  We are still attempting to please and appease our mother and father in order that we may gain their approval and unconditional acceptance.

This initial motivation transformed and transferred into adulthood.  By the time we entered our adult experience, this need for outer validation became cloaked as a desire to be responsible, or to “get ahead”.  Therefore, let us call most of our behavior what it is: a desire to get a reaction, a drama staged for the purpose of gaining out attention.  And for some of us this desire may have manifested as its polar opposite.  In other words, we desired “NOT” to fit in or get ahead.  This resistance is also a reaction and can be traced to our initial interactions with our parents (or their substitutes).

…The tragedy is that we can go through our whole life and never stop for a moment to accomplish anything “REAL” and therefore lasting for ourselves.”

I am particularly interested in this work because I recently got my 360 results back from my Leadership Circle survey.  And to my complete surprise, my colleagues ranked me extremely high in the category of “pleasing others” while I scored myself really low.  What a blind spot!  How can this go by unnoticed by me? How has this need impacted my success and achievement ability? How else has this impacted me that I don’t know about? AND what is worst, WILL I EVER stop this madness?  When will I feel safe enough to be as is????

My husband came over today for a visit.  We have been separated for the last four years.  During our conversation, we decided that it is time to finalize the separation.  He was the brave one to get the words out first.  When those quiet words “I think it’s time we finalize our situation” came out, we looked at each other and cried. We cried for nearly two hours as random thoughts popped up about our marriage, our separation, our daughter, our learnings and discoveries, and our new current selves that we wanted to share with each other.  Finally we blessed each other and this decision.  And knew that it is for our highest goods.

So that’s the big announcement…

“Mai and Gary would like to inform you of our decision to divorce.  After 17 years of heroic love, we decided that it is time to end this marriage contract, and to begin a new contract of being separated individuals who care and love each other deeply.  We would like to celebrate our love as it shifted and changed over the years.  Challenges and difficulties arose and passed, yet our love, patience, and loyalty for each other remain.  We hope to have a beautiful celebration in the Fall when we finalize everything.”

As for me, I am leaking in the eyes all day.  My stomach feels a little sickly and my appetite has shrunk to nothing.  I am still reveling over a few thoughts…

1.  Isn’t it amazing that two people who love each other this much, can’t live together.  Like I have it collapsed in my head, that since we love each other so much, and have such capacity to be with each other, that we should be able to make this marriage work; and making it works mean to live with each other till death do us part.  Who said one equals the other?

2.  I told my Dad the news, and he had to make sense out of it by saying “Oh he’s probably ready to move on and get serious with someone else.”  I had to say to him “no Dad, there is no bad guy here.  I am in the court, I know what is going on, and it’s simply “it is time”.  That’s all.”  It just seems strange that there is no bad guy to blame.  If there was, it might be easier to understand why this marriage is ending, perhaps.

3.  I remember as a teen-ager, dreaming and preparing for marriage.  I spent lots of time practicing what to say, where I would like it to happen, what to wear, etc…

I hadn’t spent any time practicing my dissolution conversation.  So writing about this is very very strange.  How does one talk about this event?  Tonight when I go to have diner with my girlfriend, do I blurt out “Oh by the way, I have great news, ….” or do I put on a sad face and say “I have sad news”? How does one practice for such a thing?

Anyway, as I gently move through today and this completion phase, I ask for your love and support.  I don’t really know in what format.  I just didn’t want to be in the closet, by myself with it.  It’s such a sweet, gentle, and complex thing that I get to experience.  Some of you have done it.  I would love your thoughts….

This is what I found out…

He is quirky, funny, humble, genuine, and thorough.  His business title is “Customer Service” and he truly lives up to that title.  His email address is craig@craigslist.com.  Everyday he checks and responds to emails (complaints) from millions of his users.  During the event, I twittered a comment about him “@craignewmark is funny, charming, and humble.”  And true to his words, the next morning I got a response back from him “@aMAIzing Hey, thanks, that’s way too kind!”

The most memorable statement that he kept repeating for everything that he has accomplished up to this point was “It’s not for moral or altruistic reason, I just did what feels good and makes sense.”  Craig is not loud, excited, or chest thumping.  He is this humble, understated man who simply says “let’s do something about it” in every situation that he is in.

Finally, about the money thing…  a woman asked him “how did you avoid the temptation of selling out?” He said “What’s the point in accummulating more money?”  His stand around money, impresses me to no end.

So of course what does one do when one meets one’s hero??? One runs down to the reception area, pushes everyone out of the way, and gets a picture with the hero, of course!!!  To my defense, Craig has a picture of himself with Obama as his profile pic for his Twitter account.  I think he actually smiled in that picture.

Don’t I look happy in this picture???

I think networking meetings are painful.  And the number one reason why I think it is painful is because most people I meet there are just like me: “hungry, wanting to find a client or a lead, and are not interested in other people.”  What makes it even more painful is when they come up to me and slam me with their energy.  (Now I don’t do that, honestly)

So last night, I was there, careful to avoid slammers.  I tucked myself peacefully in a corner, looking at the wall of postings that Betsy kindly put up (so I could hide in).  Low and behold, this woman came up and asked me what I do.  I looked at her, pondered a moment, thinking:  “I bet she doesn’t care what it is that I do.” so I said “blah, blah..” didn’t get to the third blah.  She slammed me with “Oh I have a business idea for YOU!!!”  To which, I painfully replied “oh yea? what is it…” She proceeded to tell me about her and all that she did, in the most loud and piercing way possible.  OY Vay!!!!

Before I could untangle myself out of that one, a man came up, with a book in his hand.  I am sorry, I need to say with HIS book in his hand.  Guess what he did? you guessed it.  You have been in this situation before.

My point…

When you go to a networking meeting, please don’t bring your book, don’t even bring your card.  Take the time to connect, just get to KNOW ONE person.  Try to have one good meaningful conversation and make it about THEM (not about you).  You might not get a lead, a client, or anything out of it, but you will stay in that person’s mind as someone really nice to know.  Better yet, get their card.  Then send them a thank you note for the nice conversation you had with them.  It will go much further, than polluting them with what you do.

I did meet a nice woman, Christine Gonce.  She is with Cooking Capsules.  They are making a cool cooking application for the newest G Phone aka the Android.  She was lovely.  And I wish her the best of luck for her little start-up.  She didn’t slam me.  And she taught me to use Twitter.  Thank you Christine!!!  I made her the first person I follow on Twitter, Christine Gonce.

So Success Tip#8: Don’t slam people with your stuff at networking meetings, find out about them.  Build the relationship.  Better things will come out of it.  Trust me.

You can find more of me on Facebook: Mai K Vu